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[ v a c a t i o n ] by kHo It became a habit after the first time, which had been an accident they'd called a mistake. The first time it happened it had been just before dusk, and Chas had shown up unexpectedly at Eli's door. It had been two weeks since Royal had been buried and a month since Eli had gotten out of rehab. Chas and his children had moved back into their apartment, and he'd been just about the last person Eli had ever thought would just 'drop by.' Neither one had smiled, and Eli had just opened the door for Chas to enter. They'd walked silently into Eli's den and Chas had stared at the painting on the far wall for at least two minutes before facing Eli. “Sorry to drop by like this,’ he'd said quietly. “Oh, it's no problem,’ Eli said with a shrug and an easy smile. Something he'd learned over the years from his publicist was how to make a grimace look like a smile. “I just…’ Chas sighed, looking back at the painting and sitting on the couch. “I came to talk to Mother.’ Eli nodded, hiding the confusion behind another smile and taking a seat next to him. “Okay.’ Chas looked at him. “I got there, and I raised my hand to knock on the door, and I couldn't do it.’ Eli nodded again. “Okay,’ he decided to say again, opting for the more therapeutic prompting instead of prodding. Something he'd picked up in rehab was that people, himself included, were more apt to talk if you didn't give them an opportunity to listen. “I wanted to talk to her about… something,’ Chas said, his eyebrows scrunching together in confusion. “I don't even think it was anything in particular, just… something.’ Eli settled back, leaving the thoughts of why Chas would be coming to him instead unvoiced. “That's understandable.’ “Is it,’ Chas said, looking at him with confusion. “Cause I certainly don't understand it.’ “Chas, your father just died,’ Eli said, smiling and putting a hand on his leg. “That's bound to bring up some pretty confusing emotions.’ “We were good though,’ Chas mumbled more to himself than to Eli. “I mean, we were better… things were getting better…’ “How'd you find yourself over here,’ Eli asked, cutting him off. “I don't know,’ Chas said, shrugging his shoulders. “I just… I couldn't knock, so I turned around, and saw your house, and… thought of you. So I came to you,’ he said, shrugging and almost laughing. “Like I said… I don't understand it either. I think I'm going crazy.’ Eli nodded, reaching in his pocket and grabbing his pack of cigarettes. He'd never thought of himself as a smoker, but in rehab he'd picked it up to pass the time through his more shaky days, and it had stuck. He offered one to Chas, knowing he wouldn't take it, and then lit one up. “Why couldn't you knock,’ he asked after a few moments of silence had passed. “Because I don't know *why* I was there,’ Chas yelled abruptly, his face going slack as he sunk into the couch. “I don't know what the fuck is going on with me,’ he said, this time much softer. “I'm yelling for no reason… Uzi told me the other day I was wound up like a firecracker, and that was just so…’ “Royal.’ Chas nodded, smiling slightly. “That was just so Royal of him, that all I could do was tell him to go to his room as if he'd done something wrong.’ Eli nodded, laying back against the couch next to Chas and looking at him. “So you've got some unresolved issues with your father, Chas,’ he said softly. “You're not going crazy.’ Chas nodded slowly, and Eli was surprised to see tears suddenly fill his eyes. “I just have so many conflicting things going on right now,’ he said in a strangled voice. “I'm sad, and I'm mad, and I'm bitter, and I feel like I'm losing my mind, and the only thing that makes me happy is my boys, but I keep yelling at them, and at the same time I just want to fucking get out, get away… just fucking go.’ “You need a vacation,’ Eli said simply. Chas barked out a laugh, casting a sidelong glance at him. “From myself?’ “Not to be too existential, but yes… from yourself.’ “That's ridiculous,’ Chas said, shaking his head. “And anyway, I wouldn't know how to do that.’ “You just take a mental vacation,’ Eli said, waving the smoke away from Chas' face and tapping the ashes out in the ashtray. Chas groaned, covering his face with his hands. “How do you do that,’ he muttered from beneath his palms. “How do you get out of your own head? How do you get away from yourself?’ Eli chewed on his lip for a moment, taking another drag of his cigarette before reaching over and putting it out. Reaching out he took Chas' hand in his and brought it away from his face, holding it securely between his hands. He waited for Chas to meet his eyes before leaning over and placing a tender kiss to his mouth, knowing only seconds before doing it that he'd be doing it. He held it for only a moment before pulling back. Chas looked at him for a moment, his eyes squinted and confused. Reaching out he brushed the back of his hand across Eli's cheek and thread his fingers into his hair. Somehow managing to look determined and uncertain at the same time he pulled Eli's head forward and kissed him again. When Eli's tongue darted out and brushed over Chas' lips he found them opening despite himself, and he felt his heart thud when their tongues met. Eli let himself fall into Chas, resting a hand over his erratically beating heart and curling his arm around Chas' neck. It's not that he'd never thought about what it would be like to kiss a Tenenbaum, it's just that it had never been Chas on his mind. He'd had Margot, and that hadn't been what he'd been looking for. He'd thought it was Richie, but when he'd finally realized it would never be Richie he thought he'd have to find a way to get past his hang up on Tenenbaums. Kissing Chas though made him wonder if he'd been fixated on the wrong brother the whole time. There was an intensity to Chas that translated even into his kisses, which shouldn't have been a surprise. He was wiry, jumpy, and tightly wound, but his lips were soft and slow, and surprisingly perfectly shaped to accommodate Eli's thinner ones. One hand wound in his hair, the other slowly coming up his back to hold him in place, and Eli knew that this was probably a bad idea. This was probably a mistake. The last thing he needed to do was replace yet another Tenenbaum with a different Tenenbaum. He found himself sprawled over Chas' body and when Chas groaned even slightly, Eli could feel it reverberate all the way down to his toes. He found himself tugging at Chas' shirt, and Chas' hands fumbling with his own, and the whole time his mind chanted in his head that this was wrong. Chas was vulnerable, and he'd come to him for help, and instead Eli was projecting his lifelong craving to be a Tenenbaum onto him. But Chas got his shirt off finally and his mouth was so hungry against his throat that Eli couldn't help but disregard his discomfort. He lifted Chas' shirt over his head and held his head in his hands for a moment, searching his face for any misgivings. He didn't find any, and maybe he wouldn't have if he'd looked longer, but the look in Chas' eyes propelled him forward again, kissing Chas with everything in him, hoping that this time things wouldn't come back to bite him in the ass. Chas had never been with a man, and he hadn't been with anyone since Rachael died, but he knew what this feeling was, and he didn't want it to stop. He couldn't name it, but he thought maybe this was the vacation he'd been needing. This feeling, this nameless feeling, that brought with it lust, and a sense of reason, and pleasant feelings of warmness in the cockles of his heart. The sensation of hot flesh that only got hotter with every passing second pressed against his own bare chest, hands sliding down his sides and over his legs as his pants were pulled off in a seemingly impossible fluid motion. Eli's tongue working across his slightly hairy chest, and down his torso to his thighs. His blond hair tickling the insides of his thighs as Chas dug his hands into the couch cushions and tried not to yell his pleasure too loudly. Eli's mouth back on his, and the feeling of knowing that the best is still yet to come. And the aftermath, the both of them laying spent on the couch, puffs of Eli's smoke languidly rising into the air saying enough for both of them. Chas found himself brushing back Eli's hair in a gesture that was almost too tender for him to even comprehend, and watching the look of bliss on Eli's face as he did so. He could almost feel the absence of the tension, or whatever else, that had drove him to Eli's house in the first place. He could almost put a finger on when and how it had left his body, except that putting it to words might somehow make it seem less significant. But happiness comes in spurts and bursts, and it almost always leads to awkwardness, so when it was time for Chas to leave they were already uttering apologies and promises that things didn't have to change now. They didn't know this would become a habit then, and Chas stuttered a thanks followed by an awkward wave as he watched Eli shut the door in his face and a feeling of melancholy wrapped around him. In a week's time their awkwardness will have passed, their faltered goodbyes replaced with kisses and secretive laughs, but this time it's filled with fear and uncertainty. But isn't that true of just about anything? [ previous page ]