[ u n r e q u i t e d ]
by kHo

He didn't even bother to look up when you sat down by him. Like he sort of suspected you would anyway. Some things just don't change, no matter how much they probably should. By all counts you have every right to see him as not a part of your life anymore. He had the one woman you'd ever loved, and he'd known you loved her. He wouldn't have kept it a secret from you if he hadn't.

Not the mention the fact that he'd just run his car into the side of your house, killing your nephews' dog, and nearly killing your nephews themselves.

And yet…

“You need help, Eli,’ you say, not bothering to look at him because you know he won't look at you.

“I know,’ he answered, and you were right. He didn't look.

You look straight ahead, amazed at how much it hurt to see him in so much obvious pain. Whether it was from guilt or the fading of whatever drug he was coming off of didn't matter. “I called you a cab,’ you say quietly, looking at him out of the corner of your eye, running a hand over your too short hair. “I want you to go where it takes you Eli.’

He sighs, leaning back against the bricks of the house and leaning his head back. “Where's it taking me?’

“Rehab.’

He nods slowly, licking his lips. “Rehab where?’

“Does it matter,’ you ask, pinching your nose as the headache that's been fading in and out all day begins to twang to life again.

“It does, Richie,’ he says quietly. “I'm not just your neighbor anymore…’

“You were never my neighbor, Eli,’ you say with exasperation. “You're my best friend.’

“I'm famous now,’ he says quietly, and with an ironic laugh. “In whatever way that actually counts.’

You nod, “It's discreet… I checked,’ you say with a smile.

“Rehab,’ he echoes, smiling slightly as he finally looks at you. “I didn't know…’

“Nobody will know,’ you say, putting a hand on his shoulder and nodding. “And if they find out, just tell them its research.’

“Rehab,’ he repeats again, nodding approvingly.

You sit there for a moment, drinking in the thick fog of pain that seems to be permanently settled around the two of you. “You know you have a problem, don't you,’ you say finally, looking at him.

He frowns, nodding. “I don't know how I couldn't.’

“Because it won't do any good for you to go to this place if you don't think you have a problem.’

He looks at you and rests a hand on yours. “Richie, I know I have a problem.’

You nod, still not completely believing that he'll do what he says, because he never did before. You chew on your lip, watching your family members and friends filing slowly in and out of the house, watching as Chas tries to extricate the leash from under the car when he knows the boys can't see. You almost forget he's sitting next to you until you feel a puff of air brush over your cheek and realize he's staring at you.

“You know I love you, don't you,’ he says quietly, steady eyes gazing into yours.

Your smile is sad and you nod, covering his hand with yours. “I know.’

“No,’ he says, shaking his head. “No you don't.’

Your brow furrows as you look at him and suddenly it dawns on you. “No, I don't think I did.’

“I think I always have, a little bit,’ he says quietly, facing forward once again. “I didn't know for a long time, but… when things come into focus, they can be pretty hard to dismiss.’

You sit back, focusing on not showing the utter shock on your face. “I didn't know you… I didn't know you were gay,’ you say quietly.

He laughs, looking at you. “I'm not.’

You frown, shaking your head. “I'm sorry, I thought you were saying…’

“That I'm in love with you, yes,’ he said, laughing that nearly silent laugh of his again. “But I'm not gay.’

“Eli…’

“I'm aware of the contradictions in that statement, Richie,’ he says softly, looking down. “I feel for you what I've felt for women, but aside from you I've never felt that way about another guy.’

You try to calm the palpitations of your heart and swallow past the shock strangling your vocal chords. “Then why…’

“Because she's a Tenenbaum,’ he said. “Because it was like I had a part of you.’ He looks at you for a brief moment before looking back down at his hands. “And also because I wanted to hurt you.’

“Why,’ you ask, the wonder in your voice making you sound about fifteen years younger than you actually are.

“Because you hurt me,’ he said, standing and brushing off his jeans, looking around and running his fingers through his hair. “I'm not saying I consciously did it, Richie. I'm saying I think that's why.’

“How did I hurt you,’ you ask, gazing up at him as he did everything to avoid your eyes.

“You didn't love me back,’ he said, reaching up to hold the back of his neck as he smiled at the ground. “You loved Margot, and you didn't love me.’

You reach up and run your fingers over your shortly shorn hair and lick your lips. “It wasn't an either-or, Eli. It wasn't something I chose…’

“But I'd always told myself that it would just be too strange for you, to be with me,’ he continued. “That maybe the idea was too far fetched, or too abnormal. Too sick.’

“It's not sick…’

“But she's your sister,’ he continued, ignoring you.

“Adopted.’

He rolled his eyes upward, laughing again. “Still… raised as your sister.’

“And in that same way, you were my brother,’ you say, standing.

“Yes,’ he says, looking at you finally. “And you loved her.’

“I can't help who I love, Eli,’ you say, feeling regret boil up inside of you. You wish you could feel for him what he felt for you, because it would almost be easier.

“And neither can I,’ he said, stepping back as you try to reach out to touch his hand. “So this is where I take a page out of your book.’ At your frown of confusion he looks towards the cab pulling up in front of the house. “I'm gonna go away for awhile. Try to get you out of my head.’

You nod. “To rehab,’ you say, stuffing your hands in your pockets.

“To rehab, yes,’ he says softly, watching as Chas greets the cab and begins to look around for Eli. “And maybe then somewhere else.’

“Where,’ you ask, stepping forward and wanting to reach out to touch him. You don't, because you don't even know what that means anymore, and because he'd already rebuffed your attempt before you made it.

He smiles at you and shrugs. “Rio Grande? New Mexico? The Alamo? I don't know, Richie. I think that's the point.’ He reaches in his pocket and takes out his keys, putting them in Richie's hand and closing his fingers around it. “Don't let the plants die.’

“When will you come back,’ you ask, feeling as if you've somehow lost him even more than you thought you had.

“A year, two… after my next book,’ he says, resting a hand on your shoulder. “I don't know when, but I *will* be back.’

You nod, staring at the keys in your hands. “Eli, if there was any way I could have…’

“I know,’ he says, pulling on your shoulder and wrapping you in a hug. “I love you.’

“I love you too,’ you say, tears coming to your eyes as your arms close around his waif-like body.

He kisses you on your cheek and pulls back as Chas walks up. He touches your cheek lightly and runs his hand over your close shaven head. “Grow the hair back, Richie,’ he says with a smile. “Your head is oddly shaped.’

“Cab's for you,’ Chas says, looking uncomfortable walking in on the intimate moment.

“Chas,’ Eli says, smiling at him and reaching out a hand to shake his. “Take it easy, alright?’

Chas nods, shaking his hand and frowning confusedly at him. “I'll see you around.’

“Yeah,’ Eli says, nodding and smiling at the both of you. “Around.’

Chas steps beside you and watches you watch Eli get into the cab. “He's gonna go?’

You nod, hugging your arms to you. “He's gonna go.’

Chas turns to you and looks you over. “You okay,’ he asks quietly.

You catch the sob before it comes out and attempt to cover it up with a smile. You're not sure if it's Eli's admission and subsequent leaving that caused the lump to form, or the sudden sympathy in your brother's voice, but you have to clear your throat several times before you can meet his eyes. “I'm fine, Chas,’ you say, reaching out and squeezing his arm for a moment.

He stares at you for a moment longer and then nods. “He's not coming back, is he,’ he states more than asks.

“I don't know,’ you say softly, still staring after the cab that disappeared long before. “But it won't be soon, if he does.’

He places his hand on your back, and you blink in surprise. “He'll never leave, Richie,’ he says quietly, nodding at you. “Not for good.’

You nod. “Yeah,’ you say with a sigh. “I guess not.’

He steps in front of you and smiles at you. “Mother wants to talk to us about rescheduling the wedding,’ he says, motioning to the house. “You coming?’

“Yeah,’ you say, smiling at him and nodding. “Let's go.’
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