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[ q u o . v a d i m u s ] Chas never had been the kind of person to finish things quickly, or to do them sloppily. He was very meticulous: everything had its place and it's function, and he operated on an almost mechanical level. This was true of everything he did, whether that was reading the newspaper, showering, or shaving. It even included sex, for the most part. There were times when he was drunk that it was a little harder to maintain control, but for the most part it was never less than an hour and a half. He had his methods, and his patterns, and they were perfected down to a science which left both partners satiated and mellow almost every time. But there's something to be said for coming hard and fast in under twenty minutes, too. Whether it was the hisses in his ear that were almost feminine but not quite or the slight stubble on Eli's cheek that made the difference, he didn't know. When he let his mind wander he'd try to pinpoint what it was about Eli Cash that made all his previous hang-ups fly out of the window and never could come up with one good solid reason. It was an amalgam, he'd decided. The hair, and the nose, and the way he spoke. The stuttered 'fuck,' and the way his head fell forward when Chas bit his ear a little harder than he had planned on. The way Eli's face clenched and then relaxed just before he came, and how no matter how close Chas had been at that moment on his own, he always came at the same time as him. The first time was on Eli's couch, the second time had been Chas' bed, the third in Eli's greenroom, and the fourth in a bathroom stall at the track when his kids were watching the horse race with his mother. They'd all been previously unplanned, and had been raw and animalistic, and didn't leave much time for anything else. When Eli had left after the fourth time he'd been a little more quiet than usual and Chas had asked him what was wrong. “Next time,’ Eli had said, smiling sadly at him. “We're planning it so I get to at least know what you did earlier that day.’ The fifth time hadn't been planned either, at least not on Eli's part. Chas had arranged for Uzi and Ari to stay over at Etheline's for the weekend and he'd showed up on Eli's doorstep with take out Mexican, Eli's favorite, at 7 o'clock. He'd started to apologize for not calling ahead, but the smile on Eli's face was enough to stop him, and instead he'd just leaned over and kissed him before stepping inside and shutting the door. They sat down on Eli's couch and listened to The Ramones as they ate their enchiladas and burritos. “Where does your mother think you are,’ Eli asked around a bite of his beef enchilada. “Business trip,’ Chas said, laughing a little abruptly. “Never been on one before, but she didn't even ask. I don't know what I would have said if she had… probably stuttered something about numbers and ran away.’ “Do you think…’ Eli paused, setting his food down and looking up at Chas. “Do you think we'll ever tell anyone?’ Chas froze, staring at his half eaten burritos and feeling his stomach begin to churn. “Eli…’ “I'm just asking, Chas,’ Eli said softly. “Wondering is all.’ Swallowing with difficulty, Chas cleared his throat, avoiding Eli's penetrating blue eyes. “I'd kind of like to figure out exactly where we're going before I start telling people, Eli,’ he said quietly, looking quickly at him before staring at his hands. “I'm sorry,’ Eli said, resting his hand on Chas' and smiling at him. “I didn't mean to push you.’ “It's not like I'm an open book, Eli,’ Chas said, his voice strained. “I mean, I don't tell them what I'm doing on the weekend, I wouldn't… I couldn't even imagine telling them I'm sleeping with someone new…’ He looked at him and frowned, shrugging. “A… a guy on top of it.’ “Is that what I am,’ Eli asked, leaning back against the couch and looking at him with an emotionless face. “A guy?’ Chas sighed, hanging his head slightly. “Eli, I didn't mean it like that.’ Eli nodded, letting his gaze wonder around the room as they descended in silence. “You tired of The Ramones,’ he said, his voice sounding uncharacteristically loud as it broke into the quiet. “Would you rather listen to The Clash? Or… I have other…’ “Let me get my head around it, Eli,’ Chas said, reaching up to grab Eli's arm as he headed towards the stereo. “It's only been a few weeks, I'm just not even sure where we're heading.’ Eli nodded, squeezing Chas' hand in his own and then walking to the stereo, changing the CD's. The Clash only played for a span of two seconds before Eli turned right back around and ripped the CD out of the player. He began rifling through his collection, looking back at Chas. “I need to know,’ he said softly, looking down at the CD in his hand and twirling it around his finger. “I need to know what this is to you, Chas.’ The CD he chose began to play, sounding almost as if a record were being scratched before the drums kicked in. Chas didn't recognize it, and as the haunting lead singer's voice began to fill the apartment he felt Eli's stare on him began to turn cold. “I don't know,’ he said softly. “Yes, Chas, you do,’ Eli said, still squatting in front of the player. “I really don't,’ he said, shaking his head and scratching his chin. “Eli, please… come back over here.’ “No,’ Eli said, shaking his head and lowering himself onto the floor Indian style. “I want to know… I *need* to know.’ “God damnit, Eli,’ Chas said, jerking his hands through his hair. “I don't know what you want from me! I don't know where we are going, I don't know where this came from…’ He sighed, reaching down to pick at the carpet, plucking up a piece of loose yarn. “All I know is that when I'm with you… even if it's only for an hour… it's the only time I feel like maybe I'm still normal. Like it doesn't have to always hurt, at least not all the time.’ Nothing but silence followed, and when Chas lifted his head he was surprised to see Eli kneeling before him, holding onto his legs. “You mean that,’ Eli whispered. “That's how I make you feel?’ “I do,’ Chas said, nodding and reaching out to wipe the lone tear that had fallen out of Eli's eye. “You should be the writer,’ Eli said softly, laughing slightly. “That's a really great line.’ Chas laughed, letting his hands drop to Eli's shoulders. “It's not a line.’ “I think I'm in love with you,’ Eli said, smiling at him and laughing. Chas looked at him, his eyes widening. “Eli…’ “You don't have to say it back,’ Eli said, sitting back on his feet. “You don't even have to feel it back… I just thought you should know that.’ “You don't even know me,’ Chas whispered, his heart clenching. “I've known you your whole life,’ Eli said, shrugging. “I know you people better than I know myself.’ “I'm not like them, Eli,’ Chas said, shaking his head and sitting back on the couch. “I'm not…’ “I know that too, Chas,’ Eli said. “Don't you see? I'm the guy on the outside. The guy on the outside always sees the clearest.’ “You love me,’ Chas whispered, feeling his head begin to spin. “I do,’ Eli said, nodding and crawling forward until he could lean over Chas' legs. “I'm not saying that to get anything from you. Sometimes people just need to hear that.’ “So you're saying it cause I need to hear it?’ “You always hear it the worst possible way, don't you Chas?’ Eli laughed. “I'm saying it because you need to hear it… I'm feeling it because I do.’ Chas leaned forward, grabbing Eli's face in his and kissing him. He slid off the couch, pulling Eli close to him, deepening the kiss. Eli laughed into the kiss, wrapping his arms around Chas' slightly trembling form, trying to hold him still. To quell the tremors. He reached up, putting his hand to Chas' cheek and pulling back. “Our supper's getting cold.’ “Fuck supper, Eli,’ Chas hissed, plunging forward again to kiss Eli. “We've got all night,’ Eli said, leaning back again and putting his hands on Chas' chest to push him back. “Remember?’ “Eli,’ Chas said as Eli made his way around the table to sit on the couch and resume eating his enchilada. Eli looked at him, shaking his head. “Don't say it yet, Chas,’ he said, putting his hand on Chas' knee. “Don't say it until you're sure you mean it.’ “I think I do, though,’ Chas said, looking at him pleadingly. “Two minutes ago you were saying you didn't know where we were going,’ Eli said with a smile and laugh. “Whenever you figure that out… then you can say it.’ Chas nodded, picking up his burrito. “Eli?’ Eli laughed, looking at him. “Yes, Chas?’ “Thanks,’ he said, smiling at him. “For… well… just thanks.’ Eli nodded, winking at him before turning his attention back to eating. “Do you like Portishead,’ he asked, pointing at the radio. Chas nodded, smiling. “I'm beginning to. |