[ p o l i t e . n o t h i n g n e s s ]
by kHo

Sometimes he would look down at his arms and see the almost translucently white track marks and think maybe he got scratched. He's stare at them and try to place what cat had scratched his arms without him knowing. That's when it would hit him that it was no animal that had done this to him. That is, unless he considered himself an animal. Which he didn't, most of the time. He usually wore that Camel hair coat though, so it rarely came up in front of anyone. It was bad enough to remember the place he'd been in when he'd done that to himself, much less in front of others.

Chas set the mug of hot coffee in front of him and then took the seat across from him, wrapping his hands around the cup and staring into it's black depths. “You still like it black right,’ Chas said quietly. “You always did, but… I mean, has that changed?’

“No,’ Richie said, smiling over at Chas. “Still like it black. Thank you, Chas.’

Chas nodded, still staring down at his coffee, blowing lightly over the top of the mug, watching as the steam wafted off the top and dissipated into the stale air around them. “Sorry it's so hot…’

Richie laughed slightly. “It's fresh. It's not hot, it's perfect.’

Chas nodded, glancing up at him and licking his lips. “Why'd you drop by?’

“Oh,’ Richie said, looking around. “I'm sorry, is this a bad time?’

“No,’ Chas said, holding up his hands. “I was just… you surprised me.’

“I just wanted to see you, Chas,’ Richie said quietly, brushing a hand over his arm, regretting taking off his coat in the first place when he'd arrived there. “I hate that over the years we've become distant.’

“Haven't we always been,’ Chas asked, quirking an eyebrow up.

“I…’ Richie paused, letting his breath out in a silent gust. “I suppose we have.’ He leaned forward, his eyes searching Chas'. “And I'm sorry for that.’

Chas shook his head, waving a hand. “Not your fault. Just how it is.’

“Yes it is,’ Richie said, nodding his head resolutely. “And it stops now.’

Chas' laugh sounded almost like a snort before he covered his mouth looking chagrined. “How do you propose to stop a tradition that spans 30 years?’

“Well I'd hate to think it was too late, Chas,’ Richie said, frowning and reaching out to grab Chas' hand in his. Chas tried to pull his hand back but for once Richie didn't let him. “You're my brother, and I love you.’

“I know,’ Chas said, staring at the hand that held his, trying to ignore the raised skin of what he knew was the scar that he could just barely make out. “Things are fine they way they are, Richie. We can just keep it that way…’

“I don't want to,’ Richie said in an uncharacteristically determined tone. “I'm not happy with the way things are Chas. We're brothers. I see brothers, Chas, all the time that are best friends. I see them, laughing at each other, giving each other good natured ribs… even fighting.’ He sighed, letting go of Chas hand and folding his hands together in front of him. “I'm tired of existing in polite nothingness with you.’

“We're not like that,’ Chas said, finally meeting his eyes. “We're ill at ease, and uncomfortable in our own skin… that's who we are, Richie. That's who all of us are.’

Richie frowned, shaking his head. “But we don't have to be that way!’

“I don't see how to not be. I wouldn't know how to go about…’ Chas shrugged. “Richie, that's who I *am*.’

“That's who you were, Chas, and maybe that's who you are now,’ Richie said, leaning forward and raising his eyebrows. “But who's the say who you will be?’

Chas looked at him, his face conveying just how confounded Richie had him. That's one thing that Chas had on all of the other Tenenbaums. A clear marker to tell you how he felt: those eyes. The kind of eyes that could literally make you feel like the pain he was feeling was making him bleed on the inside, and somehow you could feel that too just a little.

“I've been an awful brother to you, Chas,’ Richie said quietly.

“No you haven't,’ Chas said, his eyes focusing on the table in front of him.

“Yes I have,’ Richie said, nodding his head. “I've allowed us to become strangers.’

Chas laughed, shaking his head. “That took the both of us, Richie.’

“Yes, but… that doesn't take any of the blame away from me just because you share in it.’ Richie lifted the coffee mug to his lips and took a tentative sip, relishing the dark and rich taste it left on his lips. “We're blood, Chas. Blood.’

Chas' eyes fell shut as his head pitched forward slightly. “I'm the one who's the bad brother, Richie,’ he said quietly, his hand running through his hair as he propped his head in his hand.

“Neither of us were good brothers, Chas…’

“No, Richie,’ Chas said, looking up at him from below his lashes. “I… Richie, I *hated* you… I hated you for so long.’

Richie looked down at the table, surprised that hearing that out loud would hurt so much. “I thought maybe.’ He heard a muffled sound come from Chas and he looked at him, and even though he couldn't see his face he knew he was nearly crying. “Hey, Chas… I understand.’

“It wasn't your fault,’ Chas said in a choked voice, still unable to lift his head. “You didn't do anything… you didn't do *anything*, but I *hated* you.’ He groaned, shaking his head. “I've never felt an uglier feeling than that, Richie.’

“Hey,’ Richie said softly, lifting his chair with him and sliding closer to Chas and putting a hand on his back. “Hey, Chas… look at me.’

“I can't,’ Chas said, shaking his head.

“Chas,’ Richie said, running his hand down his back comfortingly. “It wasn't your fault. You had every right and reason to hate me…’

Chas shook his head. “No I didn't… you didn't know.’

“No,’ Richie said, shaking his head. “I didn't. But that doesn't mean that it didn't hurt you just as much as it would have if I had known.’

“But that's why he liked you better,’ Chas whispered, finally looking at him, nearly flooring Richie with the powerful pain behind his eyes. “Because you were innocent, and… unassuming. You were laid back, and… I was… I was…’

“A kid,’ Richie said, trying to catch his eyes.

“Moody,’ Chas said, looking at him, blinking back the tears. “It's true, Richie. You were just an easier kid to be around.’

“That doesn't make it right,’ Richie said, still rubbing his hand down Chas' back. “I should have realized what it did to you then, Chas… and I'm sorry I didn't.’

Chas choked out a laugh, surprising Richie by grabbing his hand in his and squeezing it tightly. “You didn't know,’ he said, looking at him and laughing slightly. “I love you too, you know? Even when I hated you… I loved you.’

Richie smiled at him, leaning forward and kissing him on the temple before Chas could retreat back into his hard shell. “That's really nice to hear, Chas.’

“I don't hate you anymore,’ Chas said. “I've been so accustomed to holding onto that anger that I never realized it had already left.’

“I still should have been there for you,’ Richie said, tilting his head slightly. “I shouldn't have just let it ride. I can't tell you how much I hate myself for not staying after Rachael died.’

Chas shrugged, reaching up to wipe at his eyes. “Too late now though, right,’ he said, laughing slightly. “Anyway, I don't think I would have let you help me. I didn't let anyone help me.’

“Still…’ Richie said, smiling and squeezing Chas' shoulder.

“Yeah.’

“You think we can give it a try,’ Richie asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.

Chas laughed, shrugging. “I'm a pain in the ass, Richie.’

Richie laughed, leaning back. “Little secret Chas? Everyone is.’

Chas thought for a moment, concentrating on his coffee again. “Okay,’ he said finally, looking at him. “Let's.’

Richie smiled, pulling Chas into a hug, surprised when Chas hugged him back. He kissed him on the cheek and released him, smiling widely at him. “Come to lunch with me tomorrow,’ he said, starting to stand.

“I'm taking the boys to see Dad's and Rachael's graves tomorrow,’ Chas said, looking up at him. “They've made it a ritual.’

“That's good,’ Richie said. “I think that's healthy.’

“Come with us,’ Chas said, licking his lips. “We'll go to lunch after.’

Richie smiled, nodding his head. “I'd like that.’

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