[ b l a c k . h e a r t ]
by kHo

He falls to the side and begins to laugh, untangling his leg from hers and reaching to his nightstand for the joint he'd put out just before she'd gotten there. He lights it and looks at her, his eyes traveling down her body and then resting on her face. She's twisting her lip between her fingers and her brow is furrowed, and he thinks that she even looks tragic after an orgasm. He wonders why he finds that attractive for a moment, but dismisses it and passes the joint to her.

“No,’ she says quietly, sitting up and covering herself with the bed comforter. “I should go.’

He sighs, resting his hand on his stomach and crooking the other arm behind his head. “Already?’

“Yes,’ she says, nodding resolutely and bending over to extract her underwear from the bedpost.

“Can't you just lie here for a while,’ he asks softly, reaching out to touch her arm. He holds back a curse as she jerks her arm away from his touch, feeling that familiar gesture tear at his heart. “Why is it you only let me touch you when you want sex?’

Margot looks at him, her hair falling in her face, and he wonders to himself why it is she's always painted her eyes as if she were trying to look like a raccoon. “Eli, don't start.’

He laughs quietly to himself and blows the smoke out of his lungs. “Right,’ he says, nodding and smiling at her. “Don't start… why should we talk? I mean, I've already fucked you, you've already come… everything's already done and said, right?’

“Eli,’ she says, her tone tight and tired and leaving no room for sympathy. “That's not what I meant…’

“It really is,’ he said, scooting up in the bed into a sitting position, hooking an arm around his bent leg. “You may not know that's what this is, but I do.’

“You're wrong,’ she said, shaking her head.

“Then why,’ he asked, spreading his arm wide. “Why come here wearing only underwear and an overcoat? Why when I speak do you always tell me to shut up and kiss you? Why do you leave as soon as you come?’

“I hate that word,’ she whispered, still sitting on the edge of the bed, looking at her lacy underwear as if it were the most disdainful thing she'd ever seen.

“What, come,’ he asks, pursing his lips. “Would you prefer climax? Orgasm? Cause it all boils down to the same thing. You show up, you kiss me, you tell me to shut up when I try to tell you I love…’

“Stop this,’ she said, shaking her head. “You don't mean it, you only say it when you…’

“Come,’ Eli says, laughing. “And who are you to say I don't mean it? You don't know me.’

“I do know you,’ she said, looking at him quickly. “I've known you my whole life.’

“Yeah,’ he asked, quirking an eyebrow at her. “What's my favorite color?’

“Eli…’

“It's black,’ he said quietly, looking at her through the cloud of smoke that escaped out of his mouth. “Like your heart.’

“I don't need this,’ she said, standing and slipping on her underwear. “I didn't come here for this.’

He nods, slipping under the covers and pulling them up to his waist. “I'm aware.’

“Why do you do this,’ she asked him, pulling he overcoat back on over herself. “Why do you always have to talk about this?’

“Why can't I just shut up and enjoy the ride, you mean,’ he asked. He shrugged. “I don't know… something about being used makes me talkative.’

“I don't use you,’ she said, tying the strings around her waist tightly.

He nodded, putting the remainders of his joint out in the ashtray. “You tell yourself that, Margot. Whatever makes Margot feel better.’

“My heart's not black,’ she said, looking at him with tears in her eyes.

“Not all of it maybe,’ he said softly, licking his lips.

“And anyway,’ she said, wiping at her tears quickly and running a hand through her hair. “If you hate it so much, why do you sneak into my window in the middle of the night?’

He shrugs, covering his eyes with his arm. “Self hatred.’

She shook her head, slipping her feet into her high heels and looking at him once more. “Then perhaps we should quit,’ she said softly.

He laughed, lifting his arm to look at her. “You say that now, and then something will happen that will make you feel like you've lost control again and you'll come crawling back over here to control me.’

“I don't control you,’ she said. “You WANT to have sex with me.’

“Yes I do,’ he said quietly, covering his eyes again from the sun shining in through the curtains. “I also want more, but that's never going to happen, is it?’

“I have to go,’ she said quietly, making her way to the doorway and pausing slightly. “Eli… I do care for you.’

“About as much as you care for Raleigh, right,’ he asked quietly. “That's a great consolation, Margot.’

“Eli,’ she said, biting her lip. “Are you going to be alright?’

He laughed, shaking his head. “If I thought you cared, I'd answer.’

“I do care,’ she said, tears forming once again.

“I'll be fine,’ he said, gritting his teeth together, grinding them and wondering if there was any point in trying to ever have this argument with her in the first place. He always started it in the hopes that she'd stay, just a little longer, maybe even try to return his feelings. All it did was make him sink deeper into the depression he already felt on a daily basis. “Leave, Margot.’

“I'm sorry,’ she said quietly, ducking out of the room quickly, her high heels click-clacking on his hardwood floor at a quick pace.

He pulled the covers up around his chin and willed himself to stop shaking. Whenever he closed his eyes he could feel her soft skin next to his, hear her breath in his ear as she came, and feel her lips on his. Opening his eyes he reached over and pulled open his drawer, pulling out the already prepared needle. He sat up and grabbed his discarded shirt on the floor, wrapping it around his arm and muttering to himself.

One of these days he was going to hate her more than he hated himself, and if that day that didn't come quickly… well, there really wasn't much room left beneath where he currently was, but he knew she'd bring him there quicker than anything.

[ previous page ]