[ a s i d e s . & . v i b e s ]
by kHo

It all started because we agreed to be interviewed for a college newspaper by two college sorority sisters over dinner. I can´t remember exactly how or who brought it up, but I do remember one of them saying specifically that it must be something in the name ‘Ben,´ because Affleck had rumors of Damon and Stiller had rumors of Wilson. Ben said something along the lines of we had Ben-gay cream to blame for that, then rolled his eyes at the stupidity of that. Both girls giggled anyway. Apparently blind love will do that.

It wasn´t until one of them asked if we perpetuated it on purpose or if that was just a natural vibe between the two of us that it started getting uncomfortable. Ben frowned at me and asked her what she meant by perpetuating. The other one sarcastically defined the word, which broke the tension a little, then added that she thought the vibe was just undeniably there. She said there were too many little ‘asides´ for them to be on purpose. There were too many smiles, and giggles, and tendencies to get closer to one another. “Not that I´m saying you´re both gay,” she assured us when she noticed that we´d both stopped eating at that point. “Just… asexually attracted to one another. Ya know… A-sexually… no sex.”

Leave it to Ben to break the tension by mocking her apparent affinity for defining words, but I was still taken aback. I don´t think I said but maybe two more sentences throughout the rest of the dinner. What did she mean, too many asides? Did we really look at each other all that much? Did we really have a tendency to get closer to one another? She actually wasn´t the first one to mention that particular thing, as a matter of fact.

Many people had remarked over the years that we had a certain chemistry between us that showed up whether on screen or in person. It was what drew people to the movies we did together, and what made them most happy when we got ‘together´ by the end. As we´re walking back towards our hotel rooms my mind is racing with thoughts of asides and vibes. I don´t know why the conversation at dinner brought this on, maybe just the fact that she´d put it so bluntly.

I feel an elbow in my rib cage when the elevator reaches our floor and I look over at Ben smiling amusedly at me. “What,” I ask, laughing slightly.

“You´re either thinking very deeply about something, or your dinner´s not agreeing with you,” he said, putting a hand on my arm as we step out of the elevator.

“No,” I say, shrugging. “Just kinda… daydreaming, I guess.”

He nodded, unconvinced. “Alright,” he says, backing his way down the hall towards his room. “You tired, or you wanna come hang out for awhile?”

My first thought is that my mind is too jumbled right now to spend time alone with him, but I immediately shrug that off and start walking with him. We´ve been friends too long to let a couple of comments change that over the course of dinner. It´s easy to slip right back into the every day heave ho when we get back to his room. We sit on the couch and turn on the television, alternating between Leno and Letterman, and sometimes even Kimmel.

It´s not until we´re both engrossed in something Letterman´s saying that I notice that his arm is around me. I´m sitting next to him on the couch, and it´s not like his arm is around *me*, but it´s around the back of the couch and it´s right behind my neck. I close my eyes as my gut starts to churn and realize that they´re right, we really do just have a tendency to get as close as possible to each other. I´m not exactly sure what she meant by asexually attracted to each other, but I was beginning to think she was onto something.

And suddenly the churning in my gut isn´t just nerves but something else. Something akin to the feeling I get at the end of a date that went really well and I´m deciding whether or not to kiss her when I drop her off. I stand up without much warning, and I think he even lets out a surprised grunt at the rapidity of it. I try to keep my face neutral as I make my way over to the wet bar and pretend I had been heading over there anyway. “You want,” I call over my shoulder as I down a shot of Vodka and begin making myself a Vodka Tonic.

“Nah, I´m good,” he says. He´s either using that tone of voice he uses when he´s got something he wants to say but doesn´t know how to say it, or he´s using the tone of voice he uses when he knows you´re hiding something. I haven´t quite mastered deciphering between those two just yet.

I stand over by the bar and sip on my drink, watching the television from there but seeing nothing. I´m bouncing on the balls of my feet in my head, calculation just how long I´d have to stay there so he wouldn´t wonder why I was running out like a shot cannonball. I´m so lost in thought that I don´t notice him walking up beside me till his face is in mine and his fingers snap in front of my eyes.

“Seriously,” he says, smiling in a way that´s more of a frown. “What´s up, O?”

I start to say nothing, but that would be pointless. It´s so obvious he can read me by now, he´ll see right through any pretense of how ‘absolutely fine´ I am. “I´m just a little distracted,” I say, still remaining vague.

He nods, leaning against the wet bar next to me, still looking at me. “About?”

I laugh, hugging one arm to me as I take another sip of the Vodka Tonic. “They´re right, ya know,” I say finally, avoiding his eyes.

“Who´s right,” Ben asks, utterly confused. “And right about what?”

“Those sorority girls,” I say, darting a quick look at him. “The asides… the tendency to be close to one another,” I say, gesturing between the two of us. “Anyone else, Ben, and they´d be invading my personal space. But with you, it´s just natural. Doesn´t even faze me.”

Ben´s face screws up in confusion. “Seriously? This is what´s bugging you? Owen, come on… it´s not like they´re the first people to say…”

“No, I know,” I say, shrugging. “For some reason it´s reverberating in my head though.”

“Well,” he starts, coming to an immediate stop. He crosses his arms and his forehead scrunches together the way it does when he´s thinking. I can´t help but smile at it, cause sometimes he really is just cute beyond words.

“Ya know what,” I say, bumping shoulders with him. “It doesn´t even matter. We´re friends, and I love you, and I guess that just shows up as different things to different people.”

Ben nodded, chewing on his lip. “Yeah.”

And I meant it. Everything except the part that said it didn´t matter. Cause now I´m staring at his lips, and watching as his teeth mesh little bites into them, and then his tongue runs over them lightly. I´m suddenly very aware of the amount of heat that his small compact body puts out right next to me, and the fact that his hip is actually touching mine. That feeling is back in the pit of my stomach, and the only thing missing is the porch light and the chirping of the crickets.

Then my hand reaches out and rests against his cheek as I turn my body to face him. He looks up at me with a mixture of confusion and something else and I don´t give him time to back away. My lips are on his, and my hand´s in his hair, the other one pulling him closer. I only kiss him for a moment before I realize that this brotherly affection I´ve had for him all these years probably hadn´t been strictly brotherly.

Finally I pull back and watch him carefully to read his reaction. For a second there I think he might punch me. His body tenses and jumps just slightly, like a dog might when it catches sight of a bird it´s been stalking. I can´t read the expression on his face. Is it anger? Confusion? Hurt? Disgust? Interest?

He licks his lips again and shakes his head, closing his eyes. “What the fuck, Owen,” he rasps out, his voice low and breathless.

Immediately I want to sink into the floor. I push off of the wet bar and back away from him as he looks at me in confusion. “Sorry,” I mumble, starting past him towards the door. “Just an urge.. I´m sorry, I didn´t mean… we´ll just forget…”

He grabs my arm as I start to pass him and catches my eyes. There´s a cloud over his blue eyes and I can´t read what they´re saying, but I´m suddenly rendered frozen to the spot. I start to speak but he shakes his head, his eyes drifting over my face and then down my body. I react in ways I haven´t before to that and I´m lightheaded and sick to my stomach all at once.

Again he looks like he might punch me, so you can imagine my surprise when his fists curl into my shirt and he pulls me towards him and kisses me again. I let out a gasp as I´m pulled off balance but it quickly turns into a groan as his tongue darts out to lick at my lips. I immediately open my mouth and as his tongue touches mine all logical thoughts no longer apply.

All I can do is feel. His right hand balled into a fist around my white button up shirt, pinning me close against his body. His left hand caressing my side and then up my back, pulling me even closer. His muscles rippling under my hands on his chest as I move them to his sides, the only thing in my mind being the fact that I just can´t get close enough to him. His tongue skating lightly over mine, his breath coming out in bursts on my cheek.

He starts walking me backwards till my back is against the wall and he´s leaning into me. The kiss deepens exponentially with each passing second and pretty soon I think I´m going to pass out from the inability to breathe. As if reading my mind, he pulls back and rests his forehead to mine. His hands splay over my chest as he catches his breathe. His fingers idly fiddle with the buttons on my shirt but don´t unbutton them.

When his eyes rise up and meet mine the breath I´ve just regained gets knocked right back out. He´s never been a man of many words, and while I knew he loved me, he never said it. He´d never needed to, because when you know someone as well as I know him you can read it in his eyes. Especially *his* eyes. Right now his eyes are so full of emotion they almost bring tears to mine.

His hand reaches up and brushes my hair back and I swear I can almost feel his eyes caress my face like velvet. “This is such a bad idea,” he whispers, catching my eyes again.

I nod, trying to breathe again. “I know,” I whisper.

He leans forward and brushes his lips over mine in the sweetest, softest kiss I´ve ever felt, and I swear I melt into the wall. He leans back and his hands run down my chest, smoothing out my now very wrinkled shirt. He clears his throat, licking his slightly swollen lips. “Too much potential for disaster,” he whispered, still hanging onto the bottom of my shirt.

I find myself nodding again. “Our friendship means to much to ruin it by…”

“Risking this,” he finishes, catching my eyes again. “There´s too many obstacles.”

My eyes shut and suddenly I´m filled with guilt. “Right,” I say, pushing off the wall and past him. “Yeah, it was just a moment…”

He reaches out and stops me, smiling at me. “A *shared* moment, Owen. I don´t want you to go and feel guilty about this.”

“Okay,” I say, smiling at him. “But you´re right… this can´t happen again.”

“Right,” he said, nodding resolutely and clearing his throat. “But…”

“What,” I ask, watching him as he walks towards me with a smile on his face. “What are you doing?”

“Well if this is all I get,” he said, his grin widening. “Let me at least get one more.”

I´m still laughing as his lips close over mine again and his hands cup my face. His kisses have always looked like loving caresses… it was nice to see that they felt like them too.

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