[ a t t r a c t i o n ]
by kHo

Sometimes I find myself just looking at him. There´s something about him that´s just down right beautiful. I know I´m not the only one that thinks that, the girls seem to really go for him. I can´t put a finger on exactly what it is. It´s not like he´s got that Abercrombie & Fitch look to him, he´s no Brad Pitt. His nose is fucked up, and he always looks like he´s glaring at the sun, even when it´s nighttime. He´s even got a little bit of a potbelly. And yet… something´s beautiful about him.

I hesitate to say it, because the last thing I want to sound like is one of those scientology celebrities, but it´s almost as if no matter what he looks like, he´d still be beautiful because of his aura. Aura. That´s the word I´m wary to use. It´s not as though I see orange around him, or blue, or pink. I see no colors. It´s just something he radiates. Some kind of positive energy that makes me feel good to be around. Something that just makes me smile for no reason at all when he´s around.

Normally I´m okay with thinking that. I have no problems admitting whether or not another man is attractive. I´m even mostly okay with admitting, at least to myself, that another man is sexy. What throws me off, though, is the fact that I find myself attracted to him at times. There´s a thin line between thinking someone is attractive, even admitting they might be sexy, and actually being attracted to them. He, so far, is the only one that´s made me cross that line.

It´s not all of the time. Mostly I just love being around him. The number one thing I look for in the people I associate myself with is a compatability, and more than that, a shared sense of humor. It´s not that he finds everything I find funny funny, or that I find everything he finds funny funny, but that for the most part, we laugh at the same things. That there are things that we both find amusing. And we have that. We have a shared sense of humor, and I think nothing can bond two people quicker than a shared sense of humor.

But sometimes, not often but sometimes, I find myself looking at him when he´s thinking of something off in Owen-ville, and I find myself attracted to him. He´ll laugh at something in a particular way, or he´ll look at me with a certain light in his eyes, or he´ll even just make a sound, and I´ll find myself wanting to…

I don´t know what I want to do. I don´t know if I want to just admire him, or if I actually want to kiss him. I don´t know if it´s what some people call an asexual crush, or if it´s an actual crush, but I know the word crush is involved somewhere in our equation.

The most disturbing thing to me are the dreams. Every once in a while, when we´ve been working on a movie, or have been spending a lot of time together for one reason or another, I´ll dream about him. Sometimes we don´t even say anything, we just sit there and look at each other. And I know that the feeling of the dream, the overall atmosphere, is just quiet easy love. But I don´t know if it´s platonic love or the other kind, the confusing kind.

Other times they´re quite honestly hot. He´ll look at me with some kind of indecipherable expression and before I'm even aware of what´s going on his mouth is on mine and I´m not pushing him away. They usually end the same way, with him just pulling away and smiling at me, but sometimes they go further.

No matter what the context of the dream I´ll wake up with a hard on, and I never know what to do about that. Usually I just lie awake and think about anything that could possibly make it go away, because that´s just a little too surreal to masturbate to the vision of someone you consider to be your best friend.

The thing about it is that it doesn´t even matter. I´ll wake up the next morning and feel ashamed, and confused, and like the last thing I want to do is see him after having a dream like that. Then I see him, and within five minutes we´ve fallen right back into the regular everyday pattern we always have, and the feelings of whatever else fall into the background. One look, one smile, one joke, and all of the confusion and unrest and disturbing thoughts fade away.

Which is what I guess I´ll hold onto. The fact that no matter what other feelings I may have for him, or if I´m ever able to put a name on them, what matters most is what comes the easiest. Our friendship. That´s all I need to know for sure.

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