[ cowardly asshole ]
by kHo

I was horny already, why oh why did he have to say my name. I was fine with being slightly aroused at his guttural moans penetrating through the walls... but then he said my name. Then he said my name, and here I was, unable to stop my hand as it closed around my cock...

It started about a half hour ago, right at the 2 o´clock mark. I heard him enter the apartment with someone… a woman… about a half hour before that. I could hear their low voices talking in the den. Laughter, his and hers, echoed right into my soul. I´d been reading in bed, but for some reason I couldn´t concentrate, knowing he was in the den with some girl, laughing, joking around. There was silence about ten minutes before 2 and I thought perhaps she´d left. Perhaps she´d just been a friend. Perhaps he´s brought her here to show her something, and he wasn´t on a date. Banky hadn´t had a date in months, I´d begun to think he´d gone celibate…

But then, at 2:01am to be precise, they´d entered his room, and I could tell by the way the door swung open with a ‘thwack´ and by his laughter followed by a hushed ‘shhh´ that he wasn´t alone. He was drunk; he´d always been a sloppy drunk. I heard him shut the door and start to say something only to be quickly silenced. I could picture it almost, if I closed my eyes and tried. Him standing there, in front of his door, laughing, embarrassed at having been so loud, stuttering out an apology. And then her, probably a blond, he´d always had a thing for blonds, advancing on him, not letting him finish. Silencing him with her tongue, running her hands down his body…

His bed was right next to the wall. I don´t know why he´d done that, set his bed right next to the paper-thin wall separating our rooms. Then again, so was mine. We slept next to each other on a nightly basis, three inches of poorly constructed plywood and insulation separating us. I heard his bed protest as they fell on it, and soon I knew exactly where his head was. I could hear them giggling, wet sloppy kisses between giggles. I knew when she touched his cock, could have told you the instant. He let out a sigh, a stilted little bit of a groan. I knew that sound. That was the sound I made when I finally laid my hands on just what I wanted…

And the giggles were gone. Things have gotten serious now, it´s go time. I found myself growing slightly hard at their sounds, picturing just what was going on twelve inches to my right. It´s by far not the first time I´ve heard him having sex, and it´s not the first time I´ve been aroused by it. It´s like watching porn, no matter how attractive or unattractive the porn stars are, just the sounds of sex are arousing. Especially to a man as hormonal as I am. I can hear his breath catch and I think to myself we really need to invest in something at least *slightly* sound proof…

Now I can hear her, and I guess he´s started on her by now. She´s making those sweet ‘ah, yes´ sounds. Telling him to go faster, to go deeper. They´re not fucking yet. I can tell because his bed knocks slightly on the wall when he´s fucking. It´s a good two inches from the wall, but when Banky goes to town, he *really* goes to town. Those long fingers of his must be working inside her pussy by now, and he must not be half bad cause she sounds completely enthralled with whatever magic he´s working on her. I´m at half-mast by now, slightly uncomfortable but not to the point where I´m going to need a release. Besides, wouldn´t that be weird? Wacking off to your best fucking friend getting his groove thing on with some chick he´s met at a bar…

Now he´s talking low, I can barely hear him, but I can make out much of what he´s saying. “Yeah, like that… feels good… no no, not there… yeah… fuck… mm hmm, fuck yeah…” That Banky, never able to go two seconds without a fuck here and there. I´m not able to figure out just what she´s doing. Is she jerking him off or is she sucking him off? I don´t know, but he´s certainly liking it. “God… wait, wait… stop, stop… oh fuck… fuck fuck fuck, stop… not yet…. Yeah… come here…”

Now he´s fucking her. She´s moaning, and damnit does she sound sexy. Just the right amount of moan. Not enough so that it´s obnoxious, fake sounding, but enough so that she doesn´t sound like a mouse. He´s just slipped inside her and he´s taking it easy. Hovering above her. “You´re so fucking hot… gonna fuck you so hard…. Ready?” Oh don´t talk like that, Banky. Why do you have to talk like that? Why can´t you be sweet sometimes? Eh, but who am I to judge, she seems to be going for it. Her breath is catching and she´s enjoying the ride…

And then it happens, and just like that I´m undone. They´re moaning, the bed´s just slightly knocking on the wall, my cock´s throbbing and I´m counting the seconds till they´re done so I can get my sweet release. I like to wait it out. 1. Because it would be weird to jerk off to the sound of Banky getting´ his bag on. 2. Because I like the anticipation. So he´s going to town, and my hands resting lightly on my cock, slowly, slowly stroking it. Just enough, so that it doesn´t wilt down. That´s when it happens. “Oh fuck yeah… fuck… oh, Holden…”

Holden? Holden! Holy fuck me, that´s my fucking name. Did he just call out my name during sex? No, it couldn´t have been. Her name must be similar to mine… Molden or something. Oh, Christ, what the fuck name sounds like Holden? Oh, well who am I to jump to that conclusion. Maybe her name is Holden as well, though I can´t imagine any parent being quite so cruel…

“You just called me Holden," she giggled out, and god damnit shut up, lady. Don´t press it. Please God, don´t force the subject…

The bed´s stopped knocking, he´s hovering over her, and I can just picture his face. Horrified and embarrassed. “No I didn´t.”

“Yes you did… you said Holden. Is that your roommate?”

“I didn´t fucking say Holden…”

“Banky, yes you did.” I can hear her giggle again, but Banky´s still not moving an inch. He just frozen to the spot, much like I am right now…

“I´m not a fucking faggot…”

“You said Holden,” she said, laughing again.

And then, quieter… “I´m sorry Carrissa…”

“My name´s Tina, Banky…”

“Fuck…”

“It´s okay, I don´t care… call me Tina, call me Carrissa, call me Holden…. I don´t care, whatever gets you there… just fuck me Banky… fuck me.”

“I´m sorry,” he said again, and I hear a tremble in his voice. He´s either holding back tears or scared. I fight the urge to go in his room right now and hold him. It´s okay, I want to say to him. I know you love me, I want to say. It´s okay, don´t be upset, don´t be scared. I love you too, but not that way. Not that way…

But God am I fucking hard by now. I hear him start to go again and suddenly it´s a whole new ball game. My cock´s throbbing and there´s no way I can hold out till he´s done now. It´s throbbing beneath my hands and whether I touch it or not I´m going to come. Somehow him saying my name in the throws of passion has caused my dick to forget it likes women. I can picture him, pounding away inside her, except somehow I´ve become her, and somehow my dick´s managed to forget that I shouldn´t enjoy that…

“Call me Holden, Banky… if it gets you off, call me Holden… Come on baby, call me Holden…”

I´m too far-gone now. I´m hearing him moan, I´m hearing her moan, but I´m not caring about her. In fact, I want her to shut the fuck up now. I want to just hear him now. Do what she said, Bank… Say my name again, Banky… please God, say my name again…

”Hold.. fuck… fuck… Holden…”

Oh Jesus Christ, oh Jesus… Jesus don´t do this, Banky. Shut up… shut up, Banky… Oh God, just say it again. My hand closes around my cock and my eyes fall shut as I begin to stroke myself. I can hear him, and he sounds like he´s right next to me. If I let myself lose myself enough I can feel his breath in my ear, on my skin. My hand´s got a mind of it´s own and I´m pumping hard and fast. I´m panting, and I can´t think. I just see him, above her, above me, his face contorted in exquisite pain, begging for release…

“God… fuck, Holden… fuck… yeah… oh, I´m gonna come…”

My hand halts as he says my name again, he´s close. He´s so close, and praise God, so am I. I think she´s in the process of coming right now, but right now I don´t give a flying fuck. I began to stroke myself again, aching to touch him. Aching to see him beyond my mind´s eye, to see him actually above me, to be able to reach out and touch him. I stroke faster… I stroke faster…

“Hold… oh fuck, Holden, yeah…”

Yes… yes, Banky, say my name again. Forget her, Banky, come in here… come be with me. Come into my bed, be with me. Touch me, kiss me, hold me. Stroke me, suck me, fuck me. I don´t care, just forget her and be with me… oh God, where are these thoughts coming from?! I stroke faster and I´m teetering on the edge. I can´t hold it back any longer…

“I´m… ohhh, god, I ‘m coming… Holden, fuck….”

“Banky,” I whisper, stroking faster. I can hear deep guttural moans coming from him and I´m undone. I´m coming and it´s more fucking exquisite then it´s ever been. I´m coming and it´s better than I´ve ever had. I can see him above me, smiling that gorgeous fucking smile I´ve always adored at me. I´m coming and I can´t stop whispering his name… Banky, God, what have you done to me?

“Was I loud,” Banky asked softly.

Yes, Banky you were loud… and I wish you´d been louder…

“What?”

“Was I fucking loud? Do you think he heard me?”

“I don´t know, Banky… you were kind of loud…”

“Fuck…”

“But not that loud…”

“Fuck…”

Please don´t be scared Banky. Please don´t cry. It´s okay. It´s fucked up, and I don´t know what the fuck´s going on, but it´s okay. Cause it´s you, Banky. It´s you and me. And we´ll work it out, we´ll figure it out…

“Fuck, fuck, fuck…”

“I don´t think he heard, Banky, it´s late... he´s probably asleep…. Where are you going?”

It´s okay, cause we´re us, and we´ll be fine, Banky…

“I have to see if he heard me, Tina… he can´t have heard me... I have to see…”

The doorknob is ever so slowly, ever so quietly turning. I´m practicing in my head what I´m going to say. “I love you, Banky… I want you, Banky… Be with me, Banky…”

“Holden?”

My eyes are closed and I can´t open them. My bed sheet is covering the mess I´ve made of myself and my bed and I can´t open my eyes. My mouth is shut and I think I might even be making snoring sounds. I can´t open my eyes, I can´t speak, and where is he, what´s he doing now…

“Holden…”

Fuck, he´s close now. Open your fucking eyes, Holden McNeil. Open them, tell him! He´s bending over me, breathing on my forehead… open your fucking eyes!

“Thank Christ…”

Do you have to sound so fucking relieved, Banky? I feel him sitting on my bed, and I still can´t move, can´t speak, can´t look at him…

“Holden, are you awake?”

Go away, Banky. I´m a fucking heartless shit. I´m a fucking pussy boy who can´t admit I´m now having feelings I´ve never had before. For a man. For you, no less. Go away, Banky, I don´t deserve you…

“I fucking love you, Holden… I don´t know when it started, or where it came from, but I fucking love you. I don´t want to, but I can´t stop it.”

He´s whispering and I want him to say it louder. I want him to shake me awake, cause maybe I could open my eyes if he touched me. But as it is, I can´t move, speak, or open my eyes, and he´s sitting on the edge of my bed, one arm on my right side, one on my left, and telling me he loves me… Christ…

“I can´t fucking stop, Holden, I´m sorry…”

Please don´t cry, Banky… please, just don´t…

“I´m sorry. I want to, but I can´t. I´ve tried. I try to fuck women, pretty women, women I´ve always been attracted to... the blonds, with the big fuckin´ tits and the candy red lips, but…. all I see is you… you, with your fuckin´ Van Dyke beard and your weird fucking dance moves… and I can´t fucking get it out of my head. I´ve tried to talk myself out of it, I´ve tried to forget it, I´ve tried to work through it. I´ve tried to drink it away, but nothing works Holden. You´re always fucking there, and I want you gone. When I have sex, when I´m horny, when I´m masturbating in the bathroom at night… you´re always fucking there, and I can´t fucking get rid of you…”

Please stop crying, Banky… open your fucking eyes, Holden! Fucking tell him!!! TELL HIM…

“I wish I had the fucking balls to tell you this while you´re awake... but I can´t do that either. Cause I can´t fucking lose you… as much as it hurts to not have you, I can´t fucking lose you, not like this. Not cause I´m a fucking freak…”

You´re not a freak, Banky… you´re not…

“I love you, Holden McNeil. I fucking love you. And I can´t tell you while you´re awake, so I´ll have to settle for this. I´ll have to settle for a drunken confession while you´re still fucking asleep and you´ll never hear me…”

~~~
The world was on fire no-one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you
~~~

But I can hear you, Banky. I can feel his hand in my hair and his face inches from mine and I still can´t open my eyes. I still can´t speak. I´m frozen to the fucking spot, and somehow I´m snoring lightly, just barely audibly. Figures, I try to act and I come across like a schmuck… I want to tell him something important, and my body´s winning me a fucking Academy Award…

“I love you,” he whispers, bending down and kissing me on my forehead. He kisses me on my cheek and I feel his tears on my face. “I love you,” he says even more quiet this time, and then his lips are on mine.

I think I´m responding. I think my mouth is moving against his and his tongue is in my mouth. God my head is reeling. His tongue is in my mouth and this is just about the most amazing kiss I´ve ever felt. His left hand is on my chest, his right clasping my left through the sheet, and he´s moaning, deepening the kiss. A tear hits my cheek, and then another. I ache to reach up and grab his face. His tongue is inside my mouth and he´s groaning and crying softly, and my heart is tearing apart. I want to pull him down beside me and make love to him. But I still can´t operate my own fucking body. He´s pulling way. No, Banky, don´t pull away. Don´t leave me, don´t pull away…

~~~
No, I don't wanna fall in love
(this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love
(this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you
~~~

“Holden,” he chokes out, and I know he´s flat out sobbing now. His voice is trembling and I can still feel the wet tracks down my cheeks from his tears. “Holden, are you awake?”

OPEN YOUR FUCKING EYES….

“Alyssa…” Oh, God no… no, I didn´t say that. No, I did not say that name… I didn´t… oh, God, take it back… take it right out of the air, out of his memory, and out of mine while you´re at it…. God… I didn´t say that…

But he´s flat out sobbing now. He´s still sitting on my bed still and it´s shaking as his body´s wracked by sobs. I want to sit up, hold him, hug him to me, but the best I can do is open my eyes to slits and look at him, holding his head in his hands. I feel my own tears course down my cheek as I see him stand up and have to hold onto my dresser to hold himself up.

A blond walks into the door, naked, and I close my eyes quickly. “Banky,” she says softly.

“Get out,” he chokes out.

“Come here,” she says, her voice sweetly soft. Go to her Banky, I don´t deserve you. She´ll be better to you than I will…

~~~
What a wicked game to play to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you
~~~

“God,” I hear him sob, and he´s further away.

I open my eye and see him in her arms, her stroking his hair. “Oh, baby, I´m sorry… what happened?”

“I… he´s asleep, and I told him everything… I confessed it all, cause I´m a fucking coward and can´t fucking do it while he´s awake… and then I kissed him… and I thought he kissed back. I swear to fuckin´ God he kissed back… but then he said her name…”

I flinch at the way he says *her*. The anger, the bitterness, and the complete fucking pain…

“He said her name, and he must have been dreaming about her.”

It´s been three days since I made my threesome proposal, and we haven´t been right since. After having done it I realize now just what that proposal must have meant to him. For me to so callously throw it out there, to fix Alyssa, and me… to fucking use him. Jesus, I can´t believe how blind I´ve been…. I can´t believe he hasn´t left me by now. I´m afraid after tonight, after my having not been able to just fucking open my eyes, that I may have lost him forever. And I still can´t fucking move. All I can do is sit here and fucking cry.

“Come on,” She said, cupping his face in her hands. “We´ll sit, we´ll talk.”

She leads him away, and I´m glad suddenly that she´s here. If I can´t do anything, and obviously I can´t, at least he´s got someone with enough of a heart to just fucking open their eyes and move towards him and touch him. Cause I´m a fucking coward. I´m a fucking cowardly fucking asshole. Twenty years of friendship and I can´t tell him the most vitally important thing in my life… I love you too, Banky. I do. I´m just too much a fucking cowardly asshole to say it.

~~~
No, I don't wanna fall in love
(this world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love
(this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you
~~~

~ “Wicked Game” by Chris Isaac

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